It's like a puzzle

It’s like a Riddle to my head
a puzzle that can’t be solved
I'm a problem solver but can this puzzle be solved 

My mind tells me to let go
but my heart tells me I need you to hold 

I'm over emotional that’s what you say
yet you’re the only one that makes me this way 

Maybe it was fear cause I was afraid
to be in the position, I find myself in today 

One day I feel you care
the next minute I feel you’re not there

How could you be gone
I try to put the pieces together but nothing seems to fit
Where did things go wrong
Was it something I did

How could I lose something I never had
and if I never had you
Then, why does it hurt so bad

saturday night sunday morning ! The start of my birthday ..

My birthday ,Well !!!

Every day we learn something new this weekend I learned something critical though . 

Alcohol does not solve anything and can actually make things worse depending on your circumstances..  

Don't drink when your lonely ,sad, mad, battling with emotions or just plain old confuse cause alcohol just heightens these feelings 

Don't drink while your p.m.s-ing  . If you must drink make sure you have someone with you that is sober enough to stop you from doing stupidity's (things you will regret the next day ). Don't drink while drunk ! and if you still decide to do it anyways hide your phone where YOU can not  find it ! so you don't end up calling people and telling them things you don't remember the next day .UGH !!!!

I'm a firm believer that words are a powerful thing and that once you say them you cant take them back 

so I have an automatic filter that I like to call  " A Heart"  which i hope was working when I was making the phone calls I made yesterday . they say you say what you feel when your drunk . I believed it all until  Saturday now I'm not to sure ?: / how can i tell you i meant something I don't remember saying . HMMMM 

My birthday was well a batch of mixed emotions , I went to my sisters best  friends house she did an 80s party and was still celebrating Her Birthday. I had nothing else to do,my sister told me i should go . she was away in a different state.  I love the 80's theme  so i went ,it was nice. Met new people did a lot of interacting dancing took pictures helped those that where more enibreated than me.  12:00am hit I  got a cupcake with a candle a birthday song and a birthday wish . at the moment all was pretty much going well for me

untill alcohol clouded my already phogy, glumy mind and i started thinking about my mom about my aunt about my friend those that passed away ,those that moved far away and those that just didt make it for whatever reasons, all the people i wish could of been there  on what was suppose to be my special day and yet   there i was sitting in this extraordinarily beutifull house with a huge balcony nice tile flooring beautiful marbel counter tops   a chandelier that hung over the very beautiful dining room table  with somebody's elses friends somebody else family somebody else Birthday party  

that's when the jello shots kicked in and the sangria and whatever else I was drinking !!! When i felt reality hit me and realized I was really all alone !! So i went downstairs to sit on the porch so that no one can see the tears that where rolling down my eyes .and took out the only thing i really had my phone . After that well I really don't know .

just hear

I sit and think on what to write.

 my mind goes blank 

and not a thought crosses by .

so much pain in my heart  my mind is incapable of processing it . 

 so often i walk down the street as if i was programed .

  as if i was just part of this world,

 like the lonely river hitting the shore 

day in and day out again and again

 without a real embrace.

 so many years living this life .

 its hard to picture anything differently   

  what if there was nothing more to this world, than this .

 than would life have any meaning

 or would it have just lost

            its bliss! 

                                                    by Nelly

what is there to really celebrate

MY Birthday's 2 day's away and already
I begin to feel the weight in my heart
cause this is really not my day without you
you brought me into this world mom
we were suppose to celebrate  this day together
can you tell me once again the story of my birth
how i was born so premature
that doctors said i would not make it
can you tell me how you chased my dad down the street
rifle on hand
while you was on foot pregnant of me
 he was on a motorcycle
with a girl that rode in the back
just a few hours before you went into labor
that always made me laugh
tell me how you never lost faith
 and you where by my side on the hospital everyday
cause you new i would make it
tell me once again mom how special i must be
cause i feel that's all i really need  !!!
I miss so much ,every day
but today I wonder
without you hear
what is there to really celebrate !!
if the true reality is this is your day!!

why is it so hard to find someone that understands you!! that is not afraid to say im sorry when there wrong!! that makes you feel like the queen that you are !!! That is there when  you need them !!!someone that understand you!!! someone that is willing to give as much as you would give to them !!!someone that would love you someone that would just hold you when your life seems to be tumbling down or simply tell you that they'll be there for you that everything will be  alright and if it wont then that you both would make it threw... someone that would love you  !!  I give up, I give up on LOVE  true love to me seems to has seized to exist !!!

SHE ...

As i sit hear contemplating 

on everything going on inside 

I wonder how many

Would care

If so why 

 Would you believe me

 If i told you 

That this feeling took control 

That I'm so happy

 I don't really care at all 

who is who

 To define what true love really is 

If to me she is  beauty

 In its ultimate  bliss

Every word she says

 Captivates my mind 

And every time

 She looks at me 

She sends  chills

 down my spine

                BY NELLY 

me

They say I'm down to earth
I say I rather have my head up in the sky
cause I'm dreamer
the world don't  see the tears I cry

I am a believer
I am going to make it
,I'm going to aim so high

I am doing this for me
NO, I am doing this for mine

So if you want to stick around
 just make sure that you hold on tight
cause I am not looking back
if you decide to stay behind

I'm so tired of putting everybody first
always seems my life is always the one on hold

It may seem at first
 my heart might have just turn cold

but i haven't changed
,just realized my prospective must come first

 So lets see a lot has happened this past week earthquake a hurricane (Irene) what was said to be a tornado . ugh, i was forced to watch the news this week for the sake off my loved ones . i cant stand the news it brings me so down . I don't understand this world and watching news makes me understand it less .I am not arrogant not a bone in my body can relate to that word . I know I am veeeeeery far from being ms perfect but I am glad to say  I hold no hate in my heart for even those that have hurt me. , discontent , pain,disappointment, confusion  at times momentary laps of anger but  no hate. and no desire to do anyone any harm .I am glad to say that there was no lost this time around . I'm glad cause i think this year has been rough enough . although i sit hear still worried for someone very special to me .i don't know how to explain it one of those people that walk into your life's and you feel you know them forever . she was in the airport the last time I heard from her .flight was cancelled and i haven't heard her since . i am thinking maybe the battery of her phone must have died no reception  or some similar story . I miss her so much and have been breaking my head trying to figure out why she means so much to me if i don't even know her that long sometimes it feels like me and her where just destined to meet she came into my life in a time that i really needed someone to talk to someone to listen and she did that very well but sometimes i get scared , life has programmed me in a way that i have friends none which i stick long enough to put myself in a vulnerable state yes hi bye gym buddy lunch partners ,classmates , and even family  see you next week and disappear for moment in between sometimes just days no speaking no communication  but that's just me and the way i guard my heart and have had debates with people over how wrong i am for doing that  ... but i don't want to this time, i miss when i don't hear from her even just one day . i want her around , i miss when shes not and honestly I'm so scared ...

I could stand the rain!!!

if i have lost you and this is the way you say good buy 

 if i find out that you where truly never mine

 

with every tear i ll shed

 ill wish upon you only  the best

 

if this was just not meant to be

 and your life took a different course

 

know that ill always be hear 

cause my heart will always be yours

if the oceans depart us

 and the mountains shall keep us apart

 know that youll always have a place

 deep inside my heart 

ill be hear no matter how bad i am hurting 

for you i will bare that burden 

and if confusion comes with pain know that  

 I could  stand the rain!!!! 

Even if its just a moment

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Your somewhere In the other side of the world
While I lay Hear all confused
the coldnees fills my body
It yearns for the heat only you can give me
It is you that I want
and nobody else can have me
my body yearns for your inbrace your lips and the way you taste Cause you've become my drug
my chace ,
fill my cup With the dreams you say can become reality
Fill my mind with all sorts of promises ,take away this agany
I'll belive eveything you say
even if its just a moment
even if it was less than a day
Ill be able to  say I new hapiness
Tell me you'll never lie to me
tell me you'll never leave
thank the heavens that you found me
Just tell me you belong to me
make me think this is reality.
let me enjoy every second with You Come and break this distance that keeps us away .
please just tell me that you feel the same
and if later you
decide to part
take with you
My broken heart....

life

What is life really about and what happens

when the desire to live, leaves you

when you feel you've lost connection to the world 

and everything around you is moving so fast

and your moving so slow 

when the mere thought of growing old bring you fear 

how many more people will you lose threw out the years  

how much hurt  is a person capable of sustaining
when even the dream of having a family
has gone waist
when the very kids you bring to this world
to love and raise
 dont want to be with you
 or look at you with hate  

why cant things stay the same
 why is the world always changing 

I am really trying to get out of this way of thinking 

but the real truth is
sometimes I wonder....

If life is really worth living

Come run in the rain with me,
baby lets kiss under the rain
hug me and then lets run to find shelter
and then kiss me again

I'll keep you warm
baby I miss you
I can just  picture the rain on your skin
your lips against mine
the drops dripping down your face
as i hold you in my arms

I want to bite you,just a little very softly
I promise I wont ever hurt you
I want to hug you
breath in exhale open my eyes
and find you hear with me
cause your mine

Tears roll down my face
I dont know where you came from
but I know where I want you and thats by my side
forever

cause baby your just encredible
 So inperfectly perfetct

FAR AWAY !!!

Your so far away so out of my reach
I envy the wind that touches your skin
 any time it pleases

I feel so alone
This feeling its so hard describe
I yearn for your touch
The soft look in your eyes
The moist of your lips
 The warmth of your presences
& the beat of my heart that races
at the sound of your voice

I know you say its not a game to you
but I'm still afraid
scared that one day ill wake up
 & never see you again

Can you hold me in your arms
Can you whisper in my ear
Can you take away this fear
of losing you
Can you tell me that your mine
Tell me its finally my time
Tell me  that's its ok to be
consumed by this
 feeling that I can not describe

can you tell me was going on
 I don't know you very long
tell me if I am wrong
for feeling the way i do!!!

  please
 tell me'
 you won't run
the moment that I tell you that


 I  love you !!!

THE MIND

The mind is a funny place.I have a lot going up there. Sometimes its hard to keep up with it .So I decided to take a moment and write down my thoughts everyday so that I have an idea of what is going on inside.

What I'm thinking? well I think a lot about where I am and where I should have been by now. 

but I'm not dwelling on it because I decided that I will  forget about what I should of, would of, or could of done. I'm going to start focusing on what I could accomplish and give myself more props for how far I have come. Life has not been and easy journey for me but I am sure I'm not the only one. I have met a few interesting people along the way to where I am right now , some are still struggling some are in denial some are just stuck and very few have made it out ....and I am glad to be one of those that made it out but I just don't want to be one of those that made it  ...

 I want to exceed . I want to surpass my expectations. I want to excel in life. I want to go beyond just living. I want to make a difference. All my life I was told I could not do this and that I could not do that. Limitations where everywhere.I was set up to failure. I was told I was going to be just like that and just like this and I believed it and that was who I became. I was led to believe that some things where just not possible for me. The mind, yes even my mind the one I was told was week and not capable of many things  is a very powerful place so that is where i will begin .

 THE MIND

 where your perception lies

 where your emotions dwell

 be it love, hate, fear or joy 

 where reasoning begins or ends

where you ability to communicate is created

where  your attention is 

where your memory lives 

no one knows your mind they can only interpret what we consciously or unconsciously communicate

so no one really knows what your capable of, just you !!! 

be weary who you let influence you.. who you allow to change your perception of life who you let gain control of your emotions of your MIND  because in the mind lies your reasoning you attention and your memory and it takes just takes that one wrong person to mislead you or even worse make you SNAP!!!

LOVE

Love to me is looking at someone and knowing

 that you want them in your life forever 

Waking up and going to sleep with them in your mind 

wanting whats best for them even before yourself 

its knowing that you would never want to hurt them or for anyone else to  

love is being nervous cause you don't want anything to go wrong 

its being afraid of rejection but taking the risk anyways 

its knowing how much it would hurt if they where to walk away 

its giving it your all and leaving your pride and fears aside 

it's not listening what everyone says about putting yourself out there to be hurt 

cause if you didn't have them you would be hurt anyways .

its being vulnerable and strong at the same time 

its not caring what others say, its following your heart 

love is that beat that skips in your heart when you see them 

that beat that you feel in your heart  when hear from the 

its that glow that everyone sees in your eyes right after you speak of them 

its knowing you would stick threw the hard times

 threw the differences that might arise

 its being there for each other in the good and the bad times

  love is wanting them to be happy above all things 

  love caches you off guard it usually comes uninvited 

and  once you realize its there its so hard to hide it !!!

  BY NELLY

Look at that flower

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Look at that flower

 

Look how is laying there alone

Someone has torn it from its home

Someone has cut its breathing

Someone has stop its living

Someone has torn away its life

It has begun to wither

Its petals fall like tears from a child

That has just lost its mother

But no one seems care

They just see a flower

That is laying there

 

By Nelly

Your Last Breath

You where there one minute and then gone the next

the air escaped you lips ,your last breath 

I was suppose to be happy, No more pain finally your call 

But my emotions took over I almost lost control .

It's so hard to believe your no longer with us 

as your body lays to rest

but I know that your heaven now 

amongst only the best .

                                        by Nelly 3/11

 I did't hear the tare in my heart

but it is torn

I feel it pumping in aquard form 

  Although it ridom has not changed

 its unsteady, like the thunder in between the rain .

 How could you use him against me 

how could you make him lie 

 I held him inside me onece .  

the rithum of my heart. use to stop his cry's 

You have turned him againts me 

 but gods on my side

He will shall not rest, he will let him see threw your lies  

when you give your heart

When you give your heart :

You risk it being shattered like a broken mirror lost into a thousand segments.     

After a while, you tell yourself,  it must not have been meant then 

You pick up the pieces and glue them one by one . 

 You are careful, making sure you have not lost none 

 Finally your finished and you feel your job was done.

Almost feels like the love you felt for this person is now gone 

 But like a mirror your heart is no longer complete 

And the real reflection of you can no longer be seen .

                                                     

                                                     by Nelly 

 · Dislike ·  · Shar