It's like a puzzle

It’s like a Riddle to my head
a puzzle that can’t be solved
I'm a problem solver but can this puzzle be solved 

My mind tells me to let go
but my heart tells me I need you to hold 

I'm over emotional that’s what you say
yet you’re the only one that makes me this way 

Maybe it was fear cause I was afraid
to be in the position, I find myself in today 

One day I feel you care
the next minute I feel you’re not there

How could you be gone
I try to put the pieces together but nothing seems to fit
Where did things go wrong
Was it something I did

How could I lose something I never had
and if I never had you
Then, why does it hurt so bad

saturday night sunday morning ! The start of my birthday ..

My birthday ,Well !!!

Every day we learn something new this weekend I learned something critical though . 

Alcohol does not solve anything and can actually make things worse depending on your circumstances..  

Don't drink when your lonely ,sad, mad, battling with emotions or just plain old confuse cause alcohol just heightens these feelings 

Don't drink while your p.m.s-ing  . If you must drink make sure you have someone with you that is sober enough to stop you from doing stupidity's (things you will regret the next day ). Don't drink while drunk ! and if you still decide to do it anyways hide your phone where YOU can not  find it ! so you don't end up calling people and telling them things you don't remember the next day .UGH !!!!

I'm a firm believer that words are a powerful thing and that once you say them you cant take them back 

so I have an automatic filter that I like to call  " A Heart"  which i hope was working when I was making the phone calls I made yesterday . they say you say what you feel when your drunk . I believed it all until  Saturday now I'm not to sure ?: / how can i tell you i meant something I don't remember saying . HMMMM 

My birthday was well a batch of mixed emotions , I went to my sisters best  friends house she did an 80s party and was still celebrating Her Birthday. I had nothing else to do,my sister told me i should go . she was away in a different state.  I love the 80's theme  so i went ,it was nice. Met new people did a lot of interacting dancing took pictures helped those that where more enibreated than me.  12:00am hit I  got a cupcake with a candle a birthday song and a birthday wish . at the moment all was pretty much going well for me

untill alcohol clouded my already phogy, glumy mind and i started thinking about my mom about my aunt about my friend those that passed away ,those that moved far away and those that just didt make it for whatever reasons, all the people i wish could of been there  on what was suppose to be my special day and yet   there i was sitting in this extraordinarily beutifull house with a huge balcony nice tile flooring beautiful marbel counter tops   a chandelier that hung over the very beautiful dining room table  with somebody's elses friends somebody else family somebody else Birthday party  

that's when the jello shots kicked in and the sangria and whatever else I was drinking !!! When i felt reality hit me and realized I was really all alone !! So i went downstairs to sit on the porch so that no one can see the tears that where rolling down my eyes .and took out the only thing i really had my phone . After that well I really don't know .

just hear

I sit and think on what to write.

 my mind goes blank 

and not a thought crosses by .

so much pain in my heart  my mind is incapable of processing it . 

 so often i walk down the street as if i was programed .

  as if i was just part of this world,

 like the lonely river hitting the shore 

day in and day out again and again

 without a real embrace.

 so many years living this life .

 its hard to picture anything differently   

  what if there was nothing more to this world, than this .

 than would life have any meaning

 or would it have just lost

            its bliss! 

                                                    by Nelly

what is there to really celebrate

MY Birthday's 2 day's away and already
I begin to feel the weight in my heart
cause this is really not my day without you
you brought me into this world mom
we were suppose to celebrate  this day together
can you tell me once again the story of my birth
how i was born so premature
that doctors said i would not make it
can you tell me how you chased my dad down the street
rifle on hand
while you was on foot pregnant of me
 he was on a motorcycle
with a girl that rode in the back
just a few hours before you went into labor
that always made me laugh
tell me how you never lost faith
 and you where by my side on the hospital everyday
cause you new i would make it
tell me once again mom how special i must be
cause i feel that's all i really need  !!!
I miss so much ,every day
but today I wonder
without you hear
what is there to really celebrate !!
if the true reality is this is your day!!

why is it so hard to find someone that understands you!! that is not afraid to say im sorry when there wrong!! that makes you feel like the queen that you are !!! That is there when  you need them !!!someone that understand you!!! someone that is willing to give as much as you would give to them !!!someone that would love you someone that would just hold you when your life seems to be tumbling down or simply tell you that they'll be there for you that everything will be  alright and if it wont then that you both would make it threw... someone that would love you  !!  I give up, I give up on LOVE  true love to me seems to has seized to exist !!!